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Living Flat – Emma’s Story

Every story shared is a woman somewhere feeling a little less alone. That’s why we’re so proud to introduce Emma, one of our incredible community members, who has written about her experience of living flat after her unilateral mastectomy in 2018 with the kind of honesty, humour and heart that stops you in your tracks.

Because the more we talk about living flat, the more we normalise it. And the more we normalise it, the more women can make the choice that’s truly right for them – free from shame, pressure, or a lack of anyone who gets it.

Image of woman in swimsuit beside swimming pool on a sunny day

Feeling Flat

The summer I turned flat was a sharply lit, hot, uncomfortable, dreadful but not entirely joy-free time that changed me forever. I am the woman I am today (an alive one) because of my unilateral mastectomy in 2018 – arguably a better, happier version of myself than I was before the breast cancer fairy decided it was my turn to join the club no-one wants to be a member of.

Of all the challenges I faced after diagnosis, having a mastectomy was the one I was most blasé about. The breast had betrayed me; it was a traitor, and had to be banished. In fact, the general anaesthetic worried me more as I had previously sailed through life with no illnesses, operations or injuries. Perhaps it was the fact that my grandma had had a double mastectomy in the 1980s that made me approach the event casually.  I had seen her with and without prosthetics and hell, I’d even sneakily tried them on a few times when she had left them pendulously swaying from a hook in the bathroom. Pre my own boobs developing, I looked pretty good in those bad girls.

So post-op and during chemo, it was only natural that the next stage was prosthetic selection. I rather liked my scar and my flat side, looking as I did for the first time in my life like a dancer who could wear a top with no bra and no problem. But that other side was flapping about, unsupported and threatening to droop, so I dutifully picked out a triangular squishy pink thing that sort of approximated to my other side. I scoured the internet and catalogues (no shops for post-surgery products, of course!) for bras that were a) comfortable b) practical c) not completely hideous. You want a non-itchy mastectomy bra, you say? Sorry – not possible. One that looks like it could be worn by a woman of 45 rather than 85? No chance. And do not even bother looking for a post-surgery sports bra that does not make you want to tear the skin of your scar off with your bare hands, as it does not exist. I cried some unexpectedly bitter tears about the paucity of products that could help me to live in my new body.

Because what I did not realise about my scar and wound site was that it gets PAINFUL. Sometimes, the neuropathy is so intensely overwhelming, with any fabric coming into contact with it rendering it an unbearable inferno, that it is all that I can do not to rip my clothes off there and then. Not that practical when you are an English teacher. When it is hot, the thought of wearing not only a proper bra with all of its irritants but also a dense plastic weight right next to the most sensitive area of my body does not appeal. And as for the sweat…

The other thing that no-one tells you is that breasts often continue to grow post-menopause. In a cruel twist of fate, the remaining breast is living its best life and expanding at a rate of knots. I have been for one prosthetic upgrade since 2018 and let me tell you, it was as if I was asking for the moon on a stick. Uberboob has outgrown that the second one now anyway and shows no signs of slowing down.

And as for the re-construction option, I investigated that route too. It has worked for friends but for me, the thought of willingly putting myself through more surgery and recovery time was just not attractive. I already know my life span is potentially a lot shorter than it should be. Why spend any more of it in hospitals than is absolutely necessary? I want to swim in the sea, sweat in the sauna and dance in the sunlight. It turns out one boob is a fine number for all of these activities.

So I have mostly gone asymmetric. During the past nearly 8 years I have slowly but surely shed my shame that I had an illness that almost killed me, might kill me in the future and on the way to getting better, I had to lose a prominent body part. I have mostly stopped bothering with being uncomfortable to stop other people from feeling uncomfortable.

Of course it isn’t easy. Clothes are generally designed for two breasts. Although illusion is possible, there is not quite enough smoke or the required quantity of mirrors in the entire world  for my supremely lop-sided bod.  All the bralettes I wear (shout out to Boody for the best bamboo ones) are not designed for one breast. So the flat side is hoiked up and the non-flat side isn’t that well supported. The moment of ripping my bra off at the end of the day is as joyous for me as it is for any woman with the normal number of breasts. But thinking and technology is moving in the right direction. I am currently waiting for my first Unobra, specifically designed for us asymmetric baddies. I know the moment of opening it and putting it on is going to be emotional and healing for that sad 2018 me who felt so abandoned and so very, very flat.

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